Saturday, December 18, 2010

These feeling wont go away...

I like wearing my hair down recently, I am not sure why. The blonde highlights are quite defined, telling me I have spent to much time in the sun, that and all my arm hair is blonde. Blondes really aren't my deal, I'd rather worship a dark haired women with soulful hazel eyes... the kind of eyes that make you howl at the moon.
I am about to turn another year... but I am ok with it. Last year I wasn't content, turning 25 and doing it alone. I don't know why 25 was such a dreaded accomplishment. I would joke when I was younger; I joked that I was a 25 year old model, that I would leave a young beautiful corpse. Joke. Time will tell, I still have a week.

I jacked the above image from my friends blog:   J, you have a way with words, I am truly jealous, but I am working on it. You are my friend and I am sorry I haven't been around for you through your dark times. You were certainly there for me last winter. Thank you.

 I left San Jose Del Cabo a week and a half ago, unsure if I was making the right decision. I live my life with to much regret, I still can't recognize that the past is the past. I started walking at midnight up the highway towards San Lucas. I took the afternoon off from La Semilla to pack up my few belongings, and I went out with the only person I ever felt truly close to in San Jose. The hoochie coochie man... a 54 year old street performer with few teeth, hips like Elvis, and a heart of gold. I will miss you Roberto.

Around midnight I returned to the place I was staying.... and had to witness a woman I cared about take someone else into her bed. A bed I spent more then a few nights in, one that I hoped I would share one last night. I tried to sit and read, but really that was just a cover up. You walked by me, not saying a word, but so much was bouncing back and forth between us.

I watched as you went to your room.
I waited for his return.
He sat across from me and had a smoke,
 I shook his hand at the end
His eyes full of innocence and love
Mine full of the most remote saddness
I watched as he walked to your room
I heard the sound of the doors closing,
one after the other
I watched as you closed the curtains
Do you know how that felt?
these feelings wont go away...

The desert is good medicine, as that night I went to a very dark place. I walked for hours, lost in deepest tar pit of hatred and self loathing. Simply put, I can't keep taking hits like this, I am just simply too involved. I wish I could go back to my mind eye at age 19, I need that right now.

The other night I had a breakdown of character... it was late and I stumbled on an old link to someones photo account. Why I clicked on it, I don't know why, maybe I am a masochist. Next photo, next photo. It won't happen again... I wish I could restrict who has access to my blog. But that is what happens when you have a public blog...words are easily read. I know you are reading this right now, you know what the difference between you and I is? I am discovering what it is to fight this alone for well over a year, and you are not. Does he know you send text messages to me? I am afraid not, but sometimes I ponder how he would feel if I told him the truth.

Mulege. I am in the town of Mulege. I am couch surfing with a 70 year old man who I believe has turrets, which is truly entertaining. He is so kind, and truly has the greatest laugh. I noticed that I need to get out of Baja for a little while, it to much of a party. Where is the intellectual exploration? Its just like JC said about San Jose, but it seems to involve most of Baja.

So I am hitch hiking my way up to San Diego. Time spent in La Paz and Cerritos was fun, all good stories for the book, but I need to get my bike.

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